With everything that’s been happening over the last week or so, I’ve taken some time to do some self reflection. And through all of those times, I’ve come to realize one thing…or rather, one question. Do I really crave negativity? Do I actively seek it out, consciously or unconsciously?
I’ve never really noticed my mannerisms and body language before, but once they were brought up to me, I realized that I gave away a defeatist body language and no confidence what-so-ever. I’ve grown accustomed to walking with my head and my eyes down, not really looking at people or acknowledging them. Maybe that’s why people don’t give me the time of day when I do attempt to smile or say hello.
And with me, whenever I do something in which I think is wrong or not okay, I just automatically assume that that particular action will lead to others thinking that I’m stupid/I have no idea what I’m doing…and this leads to me thinking that they won’t take me seriously because of that action (which then leads me to not really talk or smile or say hello to that person)….anywho…
with my internship, all of this has lead to some pretty poor professional rapport with some people…(say that five times fast). And now with about 7 weeks or so left, I have a pretty uphill battle to climb. I’ve been trying to hold my head up more, look people in eyes more when I pass them and try to say hello and smile to whomever I pass in the halls. I’ve been starting to get some staff to help me with programs and such, but I’m still having that “assumptions” feeling whenever I do this because I feel like I’m just doing something wrong (and I don’t know it). But is this an actual feeling, or is this “assumptions cascade” something that I’m wanting..craving..praying to get? I’m gonna try and think about this for the next work week or so……
SOOO……I was gonna post an hour or two ago, but then I got distracted doing other not-really-productive things…and then I thought about how awful my commute will be tomorrow…and then I prayed a rosary…and while praying that rosary I remembered what I was gonna post…so here it is!!! Enjoy
I slept in until ten. It felt awfully good doing that.
I took a shower. Even though it was a bit chilly, it felt awfully good doing that.
Then I attempted cutting my bangs. That didn’t go over so well…but at least I can grow them out so that I can get them cut correctly later.
Then I did some work…and after that, I went to Kroger. And boy oh boy……everybody and their families and distant relatives seemed to be there. That was because it started snowing by then and with 8-12 inches of snow expected before tomorrow……
Then after that fiasco, the day just…went……
and thus, that was my day today.
tomorrow I have to go in (because the place I’m at is open 24/7/365…yay!)
Wish me luck braving everything…I’m even giving my luck for braving everything.
There’s a book-series out in the (alternate) Star Wars universe called X-Wing: Wraith Squadron. It’s pretty much about a band of misfits that Wedge Antilles forms into a squadron to do missions first, and flying second. And I every time I get around to reading this, I seem to enjoy reading it more and more.
But, that’s besides the point.
There’s this character…his name is Hohass Ekwesh, otherwise known to his peers as “Runt”. He is part of the Thakwaash species, and he seems to have “many minds”. For instance, there’s his social mind, his pilot mind, his student/learning mind, etc……just to name a few. While in Wraith Squadron, he eventually learned how to easily switch from one of his minds to the other.
And tonight…for some reason…I can totally relate this to my own life. I don’t really know how (just yet), but maybe I need to start using this concept for myself in much more of a subtle way.
I just need to start asking myself “what would Runt do?” in situations where I need it. But I need to remind myself to do this.
Today was just one of those days where I criticize every little thing that I did wrong and then beat myself up for it.
I feel like this is a long-standing problem with me. When I take time to reflect and process my day, those little things that I probably did wrong (in front of people that judge you for those things) jump out to the forefront of my thoughts.
And when they do, I feel an immediate sense of sadness and beat myself up for it, because here’s what I think…
…they think that I’m retarded…they probably think that I don’t know what I’m doing…they probably don’t like me now because they think I’m stupid…
And even though it may not be true [which is true for a lot of cases], I hate myself for putting myself through this. Has it been because I’ve done it for so long that it’s become second nature to me? I don’t know…now that I’m thinking about it, I’m pretty sure that I have been through this cycle of me feeling like I’m leaving bad impressions on people before……damnit.
All of this puts me in a place where I almost hate myself fully. I hate feeling depressed, but then again, I put myself in this in the first place…I feel like all of this is just a never-ending cycle for me. Okay, I’m not making sense anymore.