Beating Yourself Up

Today was just one of those days where I criticize every little thing that I did wrong and then beat myself up for it.

I feel like this is a long-standing problem with me. When I take time to reflect and process my day, those little things that I probably did wrong (in front of people that judge you for those things) jump out to the forefront of my thoughts.

And when they do, I feel an immediate sense of sadness and beat myself up for it, because here’s what I think…

…they think that I’m retarded…they probably think that I don’t know what I’m doing…they probably don’t like me now because they think I’m stupid…

And even though it may not be true [which is true for a lot of cases], I hate myself for putting myself through this. Has it been because I’ve done it for so long that it’s become second nature to me? I don’t know…now that I’m thinking about it, I’m pretty sure that I have been through this cycle of me feeling like I’m leaving bad impressions on people before……damnit.

All of this puts me in a place where I almost hate myself fully. I hate feeling depressed, but then again, I put myself in this in the first place…I feel like all of this is just a never-ending cycle for me. Okay, I’m not making sense anymore.

Rant over.

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Author: Firefly

Someone who has been trying to sort out her emotions for too long who also loves Cape Cod in the summer, Star Wars, randomness, Mother Mary, Atton Rand, international foods, London...........

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