Today was just one of those days where I criticize every little thing that I did wrong and then beat myself up for it.
I feel like this is a long-standing problem with me. When I take time to reflect and process my day, those little things that I probably did wrong (in front of people that judge you for those things) jump out to the forefront of my thoughts.
And when they do, I feel an immediate sense of sadness and beat myself up for it, because here’s what I think…
…they think that I’m retarded…they probably think that I don’t know what I’m doing…they probably don’t like me now because they think I’m stupid…
And even though it may not be true [which is true for a lot of cases], I hate myself for putting myself through this. Has it been because I’ve done it for so long that it’s become second nature to me? I don’t know…now that I’m thinking about it, I’m pretty sure that I have been through this cycle of me feeling like I’m leaving bad impressions on people before……damnit.
All of this puts me in a place where I almost hate myself fully. I hate feeling depressed, but then again, I put myself in this in the first place…I feel like all of this is just a never-ending cycle for me. Okay, I’m not making sense anymore.