Do I really crave negativity?

With everything that’s been happening over the last week or so, I’ve taken some time to do some self reflection. And through all of those times, I’ve come to realize one thing…or rather, one question. Do I really crave negativity? Do I actively seek it out, consciously or unconsciously?

I’ve never really noticed my mannerisms and body language before, but once they were brought up to me, I realized that I gave away a defeatist body language and no confidence what-so-ever. I’ve grown accustomed to walking with my head and my eyes down, not really looking at people or acknowledging them. Maybe that’s why people don’t give me the time of day when I do attempt to smile or say hello.

And with me, whenever I do something in which I think is wrong or not okay, I just automatically assume that that particular action will lead to others thinking that I’m stupid/I have no idea what I’m doing…and this leads to me thinking that they won’t take me seriously because of that action (which then leads me to not really talk or smile or say hello to that person)….anywho…

with my internship, all of this has lead to some pretty poor professional rapport with some people…(say that five times fast). And now with about 7 weeks or so left, I have a pretty uphill battle to climb. I’ve been trying to hold my head up more, look people in eyes more when I pass them and try to say hello and smile to whomever I pass in the halls. I’ve been starting to get some staff to help me with programs and such, but I’m still having that “assumptions” feeling whenever I do this because I feel like I’m just doing something wrong (and I don’t know it). But is this an actual feeling, or is this “assumptions cascade” something that I’m wanting..craving..praying to get? I’m gonna try and think about this for the next work week or so……

TO BE CONTINUED

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