At This Moment….

….I feel like I’ve hit a new low.

Yes…it’s October, I’m in danger of losing my job (AGAIN! :< and I feel like I have just given up….in fact, that’s all I been wanting to do. I don’t even know if I’ve already done it… (if that makes sense).

I literally just got through another crying spell (3rd time since past Tuesday!) and my brain/head just feels drained. Drained of emotion…drained of any will-power…drained of any fight to keep going.

All of this has gotten to a breaking point. I can’t keep doing this to myself. I can’t keep going on like this. I need to change my life, and I need to start somewhere.

I’ve actually set up an intake/assessment/appointment with a professional. (woohoo!) And…I’ve told my parents about this.

That’s just a little weight that’s been lifted off my shoulders…but I still feel like I have this huge weight on them. It’s not quite crushing, but it really wants to be (if that makes any sense).

That’s just step one of like…a million x infinity that I need to get over. And it’s gonna take time. Yes… will take time…..I don’t know what all of this is going to hold for me, but I am feeling just a twinge of hope that this is the start of something grand. 🙂

Now, the next thing that I need to do is open up to my boss(es) about this. This is already giving me a good heap of anxiety, but I need to let them know. I keep a lot of things to myself (and it’s bad), but maybe if I tell them about me and therapy……….good god, I don’t know what they will think! D:

Anywho… parents and I have had major talk sessions where I have just cried my ass off while they try and help me through all of this with their words. I want to think that they have good intentions by doing this, but I can’t bring myself to accept this. I can’t bring myself to accept that they want what’s best for me. All I think is that they are just hashing it out on me and think that I’m a failure, a disappointment, a scum of the earth type of person that they have to deal with. They don’t love me. They don’t care about me. Shit…nobody cares about me…..I can’t shake these feelings what-so-ever…..I feel like all of this is just simply reality for me. And it has been for as long as I can remember.

I just feel so worthless right now, it’s like….what’s even the point of trying?

Oh well….guess I gotta suck it up and just make it to Friday.


Author: Firefly

Someone who has been trying to sort out her emotions for too long who also loves Cape Cod in the summer, Star Wars, randomness, Mother Mary, Atton Rand, international foods, London...........

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