At This Moment….

….I feel like I’ve hit a new low.

Yes…it’s October, I’m in danger of losing my job (AGAIN! :< and I feel like I have just given up….in fact, that’s all I been wanting to do. I don’t even know if I’ve already done it… (if that makes sense).

I literally just got through another crying spell (3rd time since past Tuesday!) and my brain/head just feels drained. Drained of emotion…drained of any will-power…drained of any fight to keep going.

All of this has gotten to a breaking point. I can’t keep doing this to myself. I can’t keep going on like this. I need to change my life, and I need to start somewhere.

I’ve actually set up an intake/assessment/appointment with a professional. (woohoo!) And…I’ve told my parents about this.

That’s just a little weight that’s been lifted off my shoulders…but I still feel like I have this huge weight on them. It’s not quite crushing, but it really wants to be (if that makes any sense).

That’s just step one of like…a million x infinity that I need to get over. And it’s gonna take time. Yes…..it will take time…..I don’t know what all of this is going to hold for me, but I am feeling just a twinge of hope that this is the start of something grand. 🙂

Now, the next thing that I need to do is open up to my boss(es) about this. This is already giving me a good heap of anxiety, but I need to let them know. I keep a lot of things to myself (and it’s bad), but maybe if I tell them about me and therapy……….good god, I don’t know what they will think! D:

Anywho…..my parents and I have had major talk sessions where I have just cried my ass off while they try and help me through all of this with their words. I want to think that they have good intentions by doing this, but I can’t bring myself to accept this. I can’t bring myself to accept that they want what’s best for me. All I think is that they are just hashing it out on me and think that I’m a failure, a disappointment, a scum of the earth type of person that they have to deal with. They don’t love me. They don’t care about me. Shit…nobody cares about me…..I can’t shake these feelings what-so-ever…..I feel like all of this is just simply reality for me. And it has been for as long as I can remember.

I just feel so worthless right now, it’s like….what’s even the point of trying?

Oh well….guess I gotta suck it up and just make it to Friday.

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Welcome back me!

So it’s been a while….hasn’t it me?

I mean…I feel like I’m still pretty much the same……but I don’t even know what that is in my mind….

But any who, I’ve been on a “get my shit together” tear lately. I’ve slipped up at work once again, meaning that my mind has been a huge mess of ‘do your job’ and ‘don’t screw up again or else your fired’ and ‘I don’t want to tell anyone my problems because then they’ll think more negatively of me’ and ‘why the hell do I even bother since I’ve already screwed up and people see me in a negative life’.

My mind is absolutely tired of this mess.

I’m getting to the point where I just want to give up on me. But I know that there are only a few people who don’t want to see that happen to me. I know there is still that sliver of faith in me that believes that everything will eventually turn around and be alright. And these are some of the only things that are really keep me going right now.

Okay…..enough rambling…..it really is my bedtime. But maybe I need to start just ‘virtually journal’ my feelings, thoughts, messed up mind, etc.

You are a B.A. (part 1)

Okay, so in an extra effort to (re)evaluate my life and the semi-perminant mess that it is, I’m reading this book titled You are a Badass by Jen Sincero. It’s a book about how to stop doubting your greatness and start living an awesome life. So, I thought why nit blig about reading this book and blog the exercises so that I can hold something accountable and get an experience through reading this book. 

“Take a minute to look at some of the less-than-impressive areas of your life and think about the underlying beliefs that could have created them…practice stepping aside, notice what’s happening in the dysfunctional areas of your life and stregthen your almighty awareness muscle…”

Losing weight: Well…I’ve always been fat, so what’s the point of losing weight? It’s hard and I don’t want to fight the fight. What’s the point of doing so much hard work only to lose 1 pound? Plus, I like the rewards system

Social: Intimidating people scare the living hell out of me…but…all people scare me at first. I don’t like trusting people because I know they’ll burn me one way or another. And plus, with some past history regarding being social with others…how does one social??? I’m still struggling with how that works in the long run. And lastly, I hate the feelings I get when I ask somebody else for help. I always feel like I’m being greedy/self centered and show so much damn weakness in doing that simple task. I’m too damn scared of being bold for fear of ridicule and bullying (which is something I’ve already been through). 

Doing stuff: If I try something, I’ll always fail. If I do something under my own power, I’m always doing it wrong. Plus, my initiative has never gotten going because I like the feeling of not doing anything productive. It’s a feeling I’ve always had inside of me. 

Getting stuff off and away from my chest

Soo….I’ve had a lot of free time on my hands lately.

I been able to do reading for getting adult life back on track, I’ve pretty much completed a 1,000 piece puzzle, I’m focusing on a clean-eating 2 week program again (yippee!) and I’ve been going to the gym 5-6 days a week. Sounds good, right?

Well…I’m not even sure if I like having all of this free time now.

In the past, I loved having free time…all to myself…doing what I want to do. But now, I feel guilty for having all of this free time. Am I to blame for this? Probably…but I’ve been praying for things to change really soon and I’ve been feeling really encouraged going out and facing my always fear of phone calls in hopes of getting my life back on track.

Okay, rant over…

*UPDATE*

Another application just went out the door. My mood has significantly changed for today. The downpour that is happening outside as I type has not…

My current project

So…along with all of the other things that have been happening with me, I decided that I would tackle a project that I rarely do. Doing this really helps me focus and provide me with inspiration in completing and achieving something. 


Behold! A 1000 piece Pop Star Wars puzzle!