Welcome back me!

So it’s been a while….hasn’t it me?

I mean…I feel like I’m still pretty much the same……but I don’t even know what that is in my mind….

But any who, I’ve been on a “get my shit together” tear lately. I’ve slipped up at work once again, meaning that my mind has been a huge mess of ‘do your job’ and ‘don’t screw up again or else your fired’ and ‘I don’t want to tell anyone my problems because then they’ll think more negatively of me’ and ‘why the hell do I even bother since I’ve already screwed up and people see me in a negative life’.

My mind is absolutely tired of this mess.

I’m getting to the point where I just want to give up on me. But I know that there are only a few people who don’t want to see that happen to me. I know there is still that sliver of faith in me that believes that everything will eventually turn around and be alright. And these are some of the only things that are really keep me going right now.

Okay…..enough rambling…..it really is my bedtime. But maybe I need to start just ‘virtually journal’ my feelings, thoughts, messed up mind, etc.

You are a B.A. (part 1)

Okay, so in an extra effort to (re)evaluate my life and the semi-perminant mess that it is, I’m reading this book titled You are a Badass by Jen Sincero. It’s a book about how to stop doubting your greatness and start living an awesome life. So, I thought why nit blig about reading this book and blog the exercises so that I can hold something accountable and get an experience through reading this book. 

“Take a minute to look at some of the less-than-impressive areas of your life and think about the underlying beliefs that could have created them…practice stepping aside, notice what’s happening in the dysfunctional areas of your life and stregthen your almighty awareness muscle…”

Losing weight: Well…I’ve always been fat, so what’s the point of losing weight? It’s hard and I don’t want to fight the fight. What’s the point of doing so much hard work only to lose 1 pound? Plus, I like the rewards system

Social: Intimidating people scare the living hell out of me…but…all people scare me at first. I don’t like trusting people because I know they’ll burn me one way or another. And plus, with some past history regarding being social with others…how does one social??? I’m still struggling with how that works in the long run. And lastly, I hate the feelings I get when I ask somebody else for help. I always feel like I’m being greedy/self centered and show so much damn weakness in doing that simple task. I’m too damn scared of being bold for fear of ridicule and bullying (which is something I’ve already been through). 

Doing stuff: If I try something, I’ll always fail. If I do something under my own power, I’m always doing it wrong. Plus, my initiative has never gotten going because I like the feeling of not doing anything productive. It’s a feeling I’ve always had inside of me. 

Getting stuff off and away from my chest

Soo….I’ve had a lot of free time on my hands lately.

I been able to do reading for getting adult life back on track, I’ve pretty much completed a 1,000 piece puzzle, I’m focusing on a clean-eating 2 week program again (yippee!) and I’ve been going to the gym 5-6 days a week. Sounds good, right?

Well…I’m not even sure if I like having all of this free time now.

In the past, I loved having free time…all to myself…doing what I want to do. But now, I feel guilty for having all of this free time. Am I to blame for this? Probably…but I’ve been praying for things to change really soon and I’ve been feeling really encouraged going out and facing my always fear of phone calls in hopes of getting my life back on track.

Okay, rant over…

*UPDATE*

Another application just went out the door. My mood has significantly changed for today. The downpour that is happening outside as I type has not…

My current project

So…along with all of the other things that have been happening with me, I decided that I would tackle a project that I rarely do. Doing this really helps me focus and provide me with inspiration in completing and achieving something. 


Behold! A 1000 piece Pop Star Wars puzzle!