…..I just have to remind myself of this…..
…..I just have to remind myself of this…..
Well…..it looks like Fairfax Virginia isn’t all that bad. I think okay thoughts to myself as I strut around in my favorite high heels on a warm night in August. It’s definitely a uni town. At least there are some bars I can trash…..hopefully. I breath in the smells of good food and good pints that are out there trying to call to me as I hear the clicking of my heels against the sidewalk.
I come across a sign of sorts…..Fat Tuesday’s……hmmm…..I’ll give this a shot. With my hands in the pockets of my slick black bodysuit, I walk in to find a very…American atmosphere. It’s got a shit load of pictures on the wall…a big TV with their so called ‘football’ playing in the background and a big American flag. For some reason, everything that screams American in this place gives me the creeps, but….who am I to judge? I slowly approach the bar, scanning for any pint that looks good when the bartender signals my way asking me “Care for anything?” to which I reply “Get me a pint of…..surprise me.”
The bartender is taken back a bit, but proceeds to pour me a fair looking pint and hands it to me. “Would you like to start a tab?” I reply “No, I’ll pay.” I hand the bartender one of my fresh looking 20 dollar bills out of my sleek wallet and he hands me back my change that looks like it’s been through the wars. I fold every bill up the best I can and put my money back in its place.
I take my freezing pint into my hand and give it a little sip. Hmm….rich…a bit of chocolate…..not bad. I turn around to see that a band is setting up to play. I proceed to scan my surroundings, hoping to see any smoking hot bitches around, but to my disappointment, I only see some old looking shags and stuck up little boys around me with their Bud Light American beers and stupid socks that only go part way up the calf. I can’t help but shiver at the thought of seeing that. They’re all so stuck up and stupid. Oh well…..guess it’s time for Shiloh to break through and fuck shit up.
When suffering knocks at your door and you say there is no seat for him, he tells you not to worry because he has brought his own stool. CHINUA ACHEBE, attributed, Chinua Achebe: A Celebration
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
There was a reason I left England
I just needed to get away from the pain
I’ve been through more than some can even imagine
and sometimes, those memories can stay with you
and never go away
Unfortunately, some of those memories
make me who I am today.
Even though I may feel proud to be who I am on the outside
I know in my heart that I will probably not stay like this forever.
And with my parents
they have treated me unlike most parents treat their children
even though they might seem like they care to others
I can see that they only give a shit about themselves…
Before coming to the states, they showered me with their money
And now, I know why…
…they gladly wanted me shipped off and away.
They have now wiped away
a tarnished spot on their pride.
Hopefully, I’ll be able to start fresh across the large ocean.
I just want to be happy
without my parents
and with the perfect girlfriend.
So, I literally just went back over my category “Stories” and I cringed just a little bit.
I’ve never really been a good, solid writer. Hell, english was never my best subject when in school. But I did put my heart and soul into my stories that I wrote eons ago. Maybe that’s what counts, right?
But just looking back at my 3 (or such) posts in that category, I thought to myself…..ouch…..that’s cringe-worthy writing.
But in the spirit of pushing past my woes of late…..why don’t I give this writing stories thing another go. I know they won’t be that great, but sometimes, it’s the thoughts that count…….right???
These questions are from Discovering Your Happiness
I feel so uncomfortable writing about this, but alas, I guess I have to press on.
So this has been a known weakness of mine for most of my life. I can’t quite relate to others. I feel as if I can’t social, don’t know how to social, and etc.
I’ve never really been one to have many friends. As of now I prefer (and tend) to keep to myself because if I do try and share interests or try to be friends with someone, they will just think that I’m weird and will want nothing to do with me.
And my bullying incident only just made this 100 million times worse.
I developed these thoughts of “everyone hates me” “people don’t like me” “why bother making connections if they just burn you in the end” from that incident (that was a whole year of middle school) and they have stuck with me through and through.
So when I got to college, why oh why did you think that all of that could change?
Maybe it was a different atmosphere. Maybe it was because I was finally independent for the first time in my whole existence. Maybe I thought I could actually change.
And for a while all of that worked. My fall semester of freshmen year, I social. I was hanging out with new friends. I was actually going out (!!!). I was doing all of this as I was trying to figure out my future and where to go from here.
But then something changed.
I don’t know what made everything change, but I…..reverted back to my old self. I wasn’t as social….maybe college stress was getting to me. Maybe it was my roommate (and suit mates) doing a 180 and not wanting to have anything to do with me. I don’t know, nor do I really care at this point.
But ever since then, I started to become afraid of people again. I had a hard time opening myself up to others (especially strangers). And to top it all off, by this point, I had picked a college major that pretty much required you to be person-oriented.
Was I totally in over my head! Of course I was! But then, I was also still determined to make a big change in my life and fall in love with this field.
So I kept pushing on, trying to be friendly/making friends, but I guess that feeling didn’t even change even as I graduated college. Whenever I went out to a social, I was nervous about going (because there would be friends talking to other friends, which would leave me on the outside)….but, once I got there, I ended up having a great time with everyone!
And whenever I joined a Catholic Campus Ministry at college, I was super nervous at first, but I learned to be comfortable with that group of people. But there was one other thing…..I didn’t really connect with anyone on a deep level. I tended to keep to myself a lot, not really inputing much in a discussion….not quite talking all night at group meetings. A lot of time I simply just went to the meetings….went to hang out with people….and didn’t really do much else.
Now, just as a note, I just wrote the above two paragraphs days after I started in with the post, so forgive me if this seems a bit choppy.
Now…I go to a sort of ‘life change point’.
I took a big step in my life in my last semester of college, and I decided to do an internship in a completely new city. It was overwhelming at first, but this was a chance for me to explore city life, do my internship well, and make new connections. But what ended up happening was that I didn’t make connections, I did my internship well, but I sort of explored city life on my own. I wanted to do these new adventures by myself and sort of conquer the city on my own, not really wanting to connect with people
because I was scared.
And why was I scared? I honestly don’t know thinking back on it now.
But as I went to my first job, I tried my best to be friendly with everyone, but this was when I started to develop fear of trying to be friendly and talk to other people. Why? Because I began to convince myself that everyone was judging me. My face looks funny, I’m too quiet, I’m too big, I’m too awkward, everyone didn’t like me because I’m so quiet in a world where talking is expected of you. I just talked with people on a more basic level. And I didn’t hang out with anyone outside of work. Whenever I made a mistake, I feared that everyone would think that I can’t do the job and that I’m just a freak. This would get so bad sometimes that I had a hard time sleeping. But I continued to try my best, be as friendly as my mind could handle, but that all just went out the window….slowly.
And then, after I got my second job, the same thing happens. I didn’t seek to make good friends with anyone, I didn’t really be more social with anyone….I was more focused on doing my job to the best of my abilities, but I let that fear consume me from the inside out. So alas…..I guess being social is what someone has to do in order to maintain some type of job.
I’m not one that craves deep, sort of intimate friendships. I’m not one to just strike up a conversation at the tip of a hat. I’m finding out more and more that I enjoy doing stuff on my own. Going to farmer’s markets, going to B&N cafes, going to new places, driving down beautiful roads admiring the nature around me, going to the gym (to work on my fitnass)……
So in the end….can I change this weakness of mine? I don’t know. Can I adapt my lifestyle to be alone and also be social with others when I need to. I don’t know.
Right now….I’m stuck.
So, I’m trying to make the site look more appealing…..maybe attracting more people…….
Also, I’m still looking for another part time job to compliment the one I have currently……..
Also, I’m writing up some stuffies to share in the near future! (that don’t focus on negative stuffies……. 😀 )
And….oh yeah! I created a site for all of my photography/artsy stuff! You should go check it out (if you want, of course!) The link for it is below.
And yeah……I’m actually feeling content today, and I am going to hold onto it for as long as I can.