Firefly

Random Musings

So, I actually turned in an application at one place, asked about employment at the library, went into another store to check the status of my application and called another place asking about the status of my application.

I should feel good about this, but for some reason, I feel a sense of dread. Like….if I tell my parents about this then they won’t think that all of this is good enough…….

But let me get my mind off of that get to another thing.

Sometime last night (or yesterday…I can’t quite remember), I reached 100 likes on my blog. Even though this may be a microscopic accomplishment, it’s an accomplishment none the less! So I just want to give a big shout out to everyone who took time out of their day to read my random posts. 🙂

Also, I’ve been starting to notice something about myself. For the longest time I’ve been feeling a bit of an out of my body sensation. Like….I’m doing things throughout my day, but I’m not consciously aware of anything that I do. It always feels like yesterdays have never happened, and that my days are basically just a blur. It is also like my brain is in a constant heavy fog, all day, every day. Could this be derealization? Could this be a result of me not having any caffeine what-so-ever? I would love anyones advice and/or opinion about this.

But, as a last thought, I’m really trying to blog as much as I can, because it gives me a sense of accomplishment. It makes me feel like I’ve done something productive. It makes me feel a lot better because this is where I let my emotions out, sharing just a bit of myself in the hope that someone (who is struggling with mental health) may stumble across this blog one day and think to themselves that “I can relate to this” or “There is someone else like me!”.

Anywho….that is all…..until next time.

Thought of the Day

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…..I just have to remind myself of this…..

Shiloh’s Story: Part 1

Well…..it looks like Fairfax Virginia isn’t all that bad. I think okay thoughts to myself as I strut around in my favorite high heels on a warm night in August. It’s definitely a uni town. At least there are some bars I can trash…..hopefully. I breath in the smells of good food and good pints that are out there trying to call to me as I hear the clicking of my heels against the sidewalk.
I come across a sign of sorts…..Fat Tuesday’s……hmmm…..I’ll give this a shot. With my hands in the pockets of my slick black bodysuit, I walk in to find a very…American atmosphere. It’s got a shit load of pictures on the wall…a big TV with their so called ‘football’ playing in the background and a big American flag. For some reason, everything that screams American in this place gives me the creeps, but….who am I to judge? I slowly approach the bar, scanning for any pint that looks good when the bartender signals my way asking me “Care for anything?” to which I reply “Get me a pint of…..surprise me.”
The bartender is taken back a bit, but proceeds to pour me a fair looking pint and hands it to me. “Would you like to start a tab?” I reply “No, I’ll pay.” I hand the bartender one of my fresh looking 20 dollar bills out of my sleek wallet and he hands me back my change that looks like it’s been through the wars. I fold every bill up the best I can and put my money back in its place.
I take my freezing pint into my hand and give it a little sip. Hmm….rich…a bit of chocolate…..not bad. I turn around to see that a band is setting up to play. I proceed to scan my surroundings, hoping to see any smoking hot bitches around, but to my disappointment, I only see some old looking shags and stuck up little boys around me with their Bud Light American beers and stupid socks that only go part way up the calf. I can’t help but shiver at the thought of seeing that. They’re all so stuck up and stupid. Oh well…..guess it’s time for Shiloh to break through and fuck shit up.

Shiloh: prologue

portrayed by: Emily Browning — Shiloh: MY CREATION

When suffering knocks at your door and you say there is no seat for him, he tells you not to worry because he has brought his own stool. CHINUA ACHEBE, attributed, Chinua Achebe: A Celebration

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

There was a reason I left England
I just needed to get away from the pain
the suffering
the misery

I’ve been through more than some can even imagine
and sometimes, those memories can stay with you
and never go away

Unfortunately, some of those memories
make me who I am today.
Even though I may feel proud to be who I am on the outside
I know in my heart that I will probably not stay like this forever.

And with my parents
they have treated me unlike most parents treat their children
even though they might seem like they care to others
I can see that they only give a shit about themselves…

Before coming to the states, they showered me with their money
And now, I know why…
…they gladly wanted me shipped off and away.
They have now wiped away
a tarnished spot on their pride.

Hopefully, I’ll be able to start fresh across the large ocean.
I just want to be happy
without my parents
and with the perfect girlfriend.

Stories (Revamp…)

So, I literally just went back over my category “Stories” and I cringed just a little bit.

I’ve never really been a good, solid writer. Hell, english was never my best subject when in school. But I did put my heart and soul into my stories that I wrote eons ago. Maybe that’s what counts, right?

But just looking back at my 3 (or such) posts in that category, I thought to myself…..ouch…..that’s cringe-worthy writing.

But in the spirit of pushing past my woes of late…..why don’t I give this writing stories thing another go. I know they won’t be that great, but sometimes, it’s the thoughts that count…….right???

56 Questions

These questions are from Discovering Your Happiness

Do I believe that everything is meant to be, or do I think that things just tend to happen for no reason at all?
I’m on the way to believing that things tend to happen for a reason.
Do I forgive and forget? Or do I forgive, but always remember?
That’s a toughie….if you have done something really bad to me, then I will find it extremely hard to forgive…..but I certainly will never forget.
If I could give one piece of advice to everyone in the world, what would it be?
Be nice to yourself. It can possibly do wonders.
Do I think that people can change, or that they just are who they are?
People can change only if they put their heart and mind into it. If they don’t, they will always go back to being the same person that they have always been.
Would I consider myself to be religious or spiritual?
I have always been religious, but I am even questioning religion and spirituality right now. I’m in a tough place in my life at the moment.
Would my 10-year-old self be proud of me?
Absolutely not. I’m anxious, depressed, have little hope for the future and broken. Maybe this answer will change once I do, but that will be a long and hard road.
What do I think is the best revenge?
Doing something better than the other person did, or doing something that the other person can’t do.
What would I change about myself?
Oh gosh….my weight, my negativity, my outlook on life, how fit and healthy I look, my personality, my social ability, my ability to make and keep friends, my ability to talk to people, my happiness…….
On the flip side, what would I never change about myself?
My hair….and maybe my baby face. I’m fine with that, but I would only like some more definition of my cheeks.
Can I confidently say that the path I am on in life right now is the one that I (and no one else) would want for myself?
It’s the year 2040. Where am I?
Living a stable life with a job (and/or side job) that I love to do, and hopefully with a family of my own.
Am I a morning person or a night owl?
Naturally, I am neither. When I’m up more in the night, I tend to be up until midnight at the absolute latest. When I’m up more in the morning, I really don’t like waking up until 7:30-8:00 in the morning.
Would I consider myself to be more creative or more logical?
I honestly don’t know the answer to this question.
What could I do to be a healthier person?
Not eat so much and eat healthier foods
If time and money were no object, what would I do with my life?
I would travel the world and be immersed in different cultures.
Is it all about luck or hard work?
I want to say it’s all about hard work, but I believe it’s about having the right package. A little hard work, a little luck, a lot of social status.
Should I live with no regrets, or learn from my mistakes?
I should learn from my mistakes, so that I won’t repeat them and keep repeating them.
How would I describe myself in only five words?
I do not love myself.
Family first, true or false?
True.
Can discipline be learned?
At a young age it can.
Am I as loyal as I think I am?
I think I am a loyal person. But I don’t have ‘proof in the pudding’
How could people be a better friend to me?
By understanding that I’m not quite a social butterfly…or extremely social at all.
How could I be a better friend to people?
By opening myself up and talking to them more.
Is conformity a good thing or a bad thing?
It can be both. Sticking out in a business standpoint can be a bad thing, but in life, it can be a wonderful thing.
What is a book I read that completely changed my outlook on life?
Impulse by Ellen Hopkins. It was one of the first things that I could relate to.
How can I be generous when I am not rich?
By volunteering whenever I can.
How can I improve dialogue and communication with those I deeply disagree with?
Just try and get the reasons why I disagree with them out of my head for that moment, and just talk to them like anyone else.
If I had to make a list of my top 10 most important values, what would they be?
They include fairness, faith, creativity, fun, growth, happiness, love, peace, respect, and success.
What are my deal breakers for romantic relationships?
Since I’ve never really been in a romantic relationship……some deal-breakers include lying, cheating, taking control over me, manipulation of feelings and/or thoughts, rude…….I guess………
Do I love myself?
No, not yet.
If not, how could I find a way to love myself?
Think of myself in a positive light instead of a negative one.
Is trust always earned, or is it a given until it’s broken?
It’s earned until it’s broken.
If I could apologize to one person, who would it be?
My mother
And what would I say to that person
I’m sorry I’m not what you thought I would be.
If I was able to say one thing to my ex, what would I say?
Not Applicable
If I could have one person apologize to me, who would it be?
My past bullies
And what would I want them to say?
I’m sorry for making you feel like shit.
Do I ghost people or do I give them a reason for breaking ties?
I ghost people BIG TIME. I’m just not good at keeping up relationships and friendships and I wish that were not the case.
Do I believe in karma?
Oh yes. If you do something bad, it will come back around to bite you in the ass, one way or another.
How do I show I am angry?
I yell, I scream and I get really upset
In my opinion, what are my greatest strengths?
Flexibility, creativity, being a supporter, and dependability.
In my opinion, what are my greatest weaknesses?
My ability to openly communicate and express my feelings, being punctual, being a leader, and being assertive.
If I could go anywhere in the world, where would I go?
Oh gosh…..some places would include London (again), all over Ireland, Seoul South Korea, Germany, France, Spain, Portugal, Wales, Scotland, etc.
Is work-life balance important to me?
Even though I am going through a quarter life crisis, I believe (as of now) work-life balance is still very important to me. You CANNOT let work consume every part of your life.
Is family important to me?
I think family is important to me. They are always there, whether you know it or not (unless you have a bad/horrible past with your family)
Is friendship important to me?
Yes…in a sense that we all crave connectedness whether we openly seek it out or not. I find having some close friends very important to me, but not having many friends that I do not know that well.
Is romantic love important to me?
It is. Going through many relationships is not important to me, but having someone to be a better half, and to share the rest of my life with is.
If I could have one talent, what would it be?
The ability to be a social butterfly and to not be afraid of making and wanting friends.
What is one part of my life I miss and why?
I miss the freedom that I had in college because that was when I felt the most free from home, from family, from obligations…
What are elements from that time I could incorporate into my present?
I need to get out and do stuff with other people. But that’s hard when I still need to find some type of employment.
Do actions really speak louder than words?
They certainly do. Words don’t mean anything unless action follows. And actions can tell everything that words sometimes can’t.
Am I happy with my career?
Not currently. I thought I had a career laid out in front of me, but that really hasn’t worked out so far.
If not, what could I change about my job to be happier and more satisfied?
Maybe just go on a different path or focus on serving another community.
What’s more important to me, self respect or being right?
Self Respect.
Do I learn from the past or live in the past?
As of now, I am living in the past. I need to learn to let go of the bad past and move forward with my life.
When I die, what do I want to be remembered for?
I want to be remembered for the impact that I made on people.

Part Two: Relating to Others

I feel so uncomfortable writing about this, but alas, I guess I have to press on.

So this has been a known weakness of mine for most of my life. I can’t quite relate to others. I feel as if I can’t social, don’t know how to social, and etc.

I’ve never really been one to have many friends. As of now I prefer (and tend) to keep to myself because if I do try and share interests or try to be friends with someone, they will just think that I’m weird and will want nothing to do with me.

And my bullying incident only just made this 100 million times worse.

I developed these thoughts of “everyone hates me” “people don’t like me” “why bother making connections if they just burn you in the end” from that incident (that was a whole year of middle school) and they have stuck with me through and through.

So when I got to college, why oh why did you think that all of that could change?

Maybe it was a different atmosphere. Maybe it was because I was finally independent for the first time in my whole existence. Maybe I thought I could actually change.

And for a while all of that worked. My fall semester of freshmen year, I social. I was hanging out with new friends. I was actually going out (!!!). I was doing all of this as I was trying to figure out my future and where to go from here.

But then something changed.

I don’t know what made everything change, but I…..reverted back to my old self. I wasn’t as social….maybe college stress was getting to me. Maybe it was my roommate (and suit mates) doing a 180 and not wanting to have anything to do with me. I don’t know, nor do I really care at this point.

But ever since then, I started to become afraid of people again. I had a hard time opening myself up to others (especially strangers). And to top it all off, by this point, I had picked a college major that pretty much required you to be person-oriented.

Was I totally in over my head! Of course I was! But then, I was also still determined to make a big change in my life and fall in love with this field.

So I kept pushing on, trying to be friendly/making friends, but I guess that feeling didn’t even change even as I graduated college. Whenever I went out to a social, I was nervous about going (because there would be friends talking to other friends, which would leave me on the outside)….but, once I got there, I ended up having a great time with everyone!

And whenever I joined a Catholic Campus Ministry at college, I was super nervous at first, but I learned to be comfortable with that group of people. But there was one other thing…..I didn’t really connect with anyone on a deep level. I tended to keep to myself a lot, not really inputing much in a discussion….not quite talking all night at group meetings. A lot of time I simply just went to the meetings….went to hang out with people….and didn’t really do much else.

Now, just as a note, I just wrote the above two paragraphs days after I started in with the post, so forgive me if this seems a bit choppy.

Now…I go to a sort of ‘life change point’.

I took a big step in my life in my last semester of college, and I decided to do an internship in a completely new city. It was overwhelming at first, but this was a chance for me to explore city life, do my internship well, and make new connections. But what ended up happening was that I didn’t make connections, I did my internship well, but I sort of explored city life on my own. I wanted to do these new adventures by myself and sort of conquer the city on my own, not really wanting to connect with people

because I was scared.

And why was I scared? I honestly don’t know thinking back on it now.

But as I went to my first job, I tried my best to be friendly with everyone, but this was when I started to develop fear of trying to be friendly and talk to other people. Why? Because I began to convince myself that everyone was judging me. My face looks funny, I’m too quiet, I’m too big, I’m too awkward, everyone didn’t like me because I’m so quiet in a world where talking is expected of you. I just talked with people on a more basic level. And I didn’t hang out with anyone outside of work. Whenever I made a mistake, I feared that everyone would think that I can’t do the job and that I’m just a freak. This would get so bad sometimes that I had a hard time sleeping. But I continued to try my best, be as friendly as my mind could handle, but that all just went out the window….slowly.

And then, after I got my second job, the same thing happens. I didn’t seek to make good friends with anyone, I didn’t really be more social with anyone….I was more focused on doing my job to the best of my abilities, but I let that fear consume me from the inside out. So alas…..I guess being social is what someone has to do in order to maintain some type of job.

I’m not one that craves deep, sort of intimate friendships. I’m not one to just strike up a conversation at the tip of a hat. I’m finding out more and more that I enjoy doing stuff on my own. Going to farmer’s markets, going to B&N cafes, going to new places, driving down beautiful roads admiring the nature around me, going to the gym (to work on my fitnass)……

So in the end….can I change this weakness of mine? I don’t know. Can I adapt my lifestyle to be alone and also be social with others when I need to. I don’t know.

Right now….I’m stuck.

Random Updates

So, I’m trying to make the site look more appealing…..maybe attracting more people…….

Also, I’m still looking for another part time job to compliment the one I have currently……..

Also, I’m writing up some stuffies to share in the near future! (that don’t focus on negative stuffies……. 😀 )

And….oh yeah! I created a site for all of my photography/artsy stuff! You should go check it out (if you want, of course!) The link for it is below.

(CLICKHERE)

And yeah……I’m actually feeling content today, and I am going to hold onto it for as long as I can.

Song of the Day (2.2) ??

So, here is a little break from all the negativity that I have been processing and writing about.

You can thank Les Mills Bodypump 103 for this.

🙂

Part One: Anxiety

Holy batshiz, this has really gotten the best of me, now hasn’t it?

I told myself that I would process 4 things that led to my recent termination, so why not start with one of the hardest subjects…..

I made the people I worked closest to aware of my anxiety. I confided in them. Maybe it turned against me, maybe not….maybe I’ll just never know.

But anxiety has been with me…alongside me since….gosh….college?

I remember walking to one of my classes, being so closed off, being paranoid that people are talking shit about me, having a fast heart rate, becoming more distant and non-trustworthy of my roommate at the time, feeling pressure of the real world sneaking up on me, and so on….that it has left quite the impression.

Now looking back on that, I don’t even know (or remember), what triggered that specific event, but that was only the beginning. I believe it’s all been going downhill ever since then.

I battled and fought through those feeling of paranoia, worry, anxiety/social anxiety, all while pushing towards a degree that I was even starting to lose faith in. I just let those feelings pass, trying to convince myself that I was fine.

I battled in silence.

During my senior internship was when things started getting really bad. About halfway through that, I was just so paranoid that people didn’t like me automatically that my performance suffered. After talking it over with my supervisor, I managed to turn it around so that I graduated.

Battling in silence.

Then everything was fine…I got my first job out of college (in a matter of 2-ish months). Got my own apartment. Got out of my parents hair. I was living the life. But then those feelings crept back in. Being awkward…people not liking me…being paranoid. Things would be fine, then I would be so anxious about life and work that I had a hard time sleeping. That kept going on until February of 2016.

Then, I addressed these problems to a doctor.

After much pushing of me getting a check up on my health, I went to a doctor to address these problems, and as a result, he gave me a diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety Disorder and gave me citalopram.

And boy, did it help……at the time.

Everything seemed to get better again. My anxiety started to disappear and life seemed like it was hunky dory.

But then, my bad feelings crept back in. I let stress get to me. I let everything going on affect me. And this happened and happened until…..I was fired from that job.

That’s when I hit an all time low. This was never supposed to happen! This result was such a shock to me, and especially to my parents. And we all reeled….mourned…..I thought the worst of the worst….went through unemployment….process what happened, and got my mojo back to look for another job. This all happened in the span of 1 1/2 months.

I was excited again. Maybe it wasn’t my number 1 choice, but man….I was going to rock this out! This was close to home, in a place I would always visit.

And then my anxiety hit.

I had to drive a big freaking bus for the first time, and I didn’t know where any doctors office of was! But I eventually got through this with a GPS and faith.

There was a resident who was always so mean to me! I let it get to me at first, but eventually, I learned to let it go.

There were times when I told superiors of stuff that wasn’t really supposed to be happening, and then those person getting snippy about it with me. But all of that eventually dissolved.

I was feeling fine….until a performance review.

I was told that I wasn’t being happy, that I wasn’t bringing enthusiasm, and that people thought I didn’t do anything. Then, I cried in front of my superiors. But then, I got back up on my feet and started carrying out improvements that were suggested. I thought, I can do it. I got this.

And once again, I battled in silence (even on medication and with everything that had happened to me).

Then come Mid-October.

I was told that I wasn’t being happy, that I wasn’t bringing enthusiasm, that I should’ve gotten in trouble for something….and I cried in front of her…….again.

And then my anxiety spiraled out of control.

My heart-rate always starting going up whenever I walked into my workplace, I worried about what would happen to me, what everyone would say about me, what everyone would think about me, what bad things would happen. I addressed these with my new doctor (who increased my citalopram) and also started seeing a therapist. Then everything came to a crashing burn when I backed the damn bus up into a light pole. My anxiety lit up like fire-crackers, I spilled all of that out to a close co-worker, and reported everything like I was supposed to. After that day, everything calmed down for a bit.

And then…..I was fired from that job……..I was fired again……AGAIN!

This was never supposed to happen to me! But this time, I anticipated the worst, so the blow wasn’t as shocking to me. But it was a big blow to my parents. They never thought this would happen to me again. Even with everything that was going right for me (in terms of addressing my mental health), I was at rock bottom again. There was a lot of explosive anger from me and my parents, a lot of crying (from me mostly).

And only a little bit of….”why me?”

Because why?

Anxiety played a part in this. Big time.

So going forward, one big thing is that I am going to be working on my mental health (and GAD, and other stuff) so that my future will be bright for me again. I commit myself to doing this….for me…..to take control of my life and my happiness.